Moronic Federation Technology
by UVlite
Summary: Various one shots depicting problems with federation technology  Chapter 1: The Origin of "Tea Earl Grey, Hot." Cadet Picard vs the replicator


Gene Roddenberry and Paramount owns Star Trek

* * *

><p><strong>The Origin of "Tea Earl Grey, Hot." Cadet Picard vs the replicator<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Mid afternoon, Starfleet Academy, San Francisco<strong>

Picard hated San Francisco. The weather was wrong no one spoke with a proper French accent and there was no decent wine only the replicated rubbish. Replicators were another thing he hated. Whatever happened to good food made by a decent chef and who on earth came up with such an anal programming language for the infernal machines?

Yes the great evil of the replicator like the one he has to deal with this morning.

* * *

><p><strong>Earlier that morning<strong>

Picard had just bung all his luggage from the transporter station after he moved all his belongings into his new room in the academy but San Francisco in winter was colder than he had been lead to believe, he needed something to warm him up. The brand new replicator was just asking to be used "Computer Tea."

"Please specify there are eight thousand one hundred and ninety six varieties of tea available."

"English tea."

"Please specify there are forty two varieties of English tea available."

"Earl Grey." He liked that verity when he went hitchhiking across the British Iles.

"Please specify the temperature."

At this he banged his head against the wall, who the hell programmed this pedantic machine?

"Normal tea tem," "Error order has taken too long order has been cancelled."

Now he wanted to break something. "Computer English tea, Earl Grey, Normal tea temperature."

There was a whine as the tea was replicated. As soon as it was finished he took it and sat down at his table. He took a sip and nearly gagged. He immediately spat it out. "Computer, who set the standard temperature of tea?" he asked as he walked back to the replicator and placed the drink inside.

"The standard temperature for hot drinks was set by the food and drinks safety board." The computer informed him as it deconstructed the drink.

"Commuter, English tea, Earl Grey, Hot."

That final command got him what he wanted even though it was a smaller amount than he wanted.

He would need to write his own personal macro for his replicator.

* * *

><p><strong>The next day one hour before dawn<strong>

"ARHHH! WHAT THE DEVIL IS STOPPING THE COMPILER NOW?"

He had removed one hundred and twenty seven bugs and six syntax errors since his first version of this macro and it was still not complete. Oh how Picard hated replicator code. This should work. According to the notes it would work he had even seen someone order a mug of tea before he know the computer could make it in the correct size. So why the devil would it not work for him?

He needed a drink. "Computer, Tea, Earl Grey, Hot!" He sat down to drink and relax for a bit before looking at the datapad again.

It was then that he realised what had happened. The replicator made the tea. In the correct size and correct temperature. The size and temperature he had spent the last thirteen hours trying to code.

"Computer what was the difference between this order of tea and my last order?" He asked in an irritated tone.

"The variable English tea was not specified." The computer replied in that annoyingly cheerful tone.

"What the devil does that particular variable signify?"

"English tea denotes the requirement of tea being served in a traditional china tea cup. Without this variable it would be served in a standard mug."

All that wasted time Picard just wanted to cry. He had to know one thing who to kill for such an evil programming language.

"Computer who wrote the programming language used by replicators?"

"Commander T'mar of Vulcan science directorate."

"Of course." It had to be someone light years away, the science directorate was well known for its reluctance to embrace unorthodox ideas like programming languages that are structured for ease of use instead of its ability to handle every conceivable situation.


End file.
